Wednesday, March 2, 2016


Sometimes adoption looks like your hubby having to follow your adopted son upstairs to tell them that touching your mom's breast while hugging them goodnight (Every. Single. Night.) is not going to be tolerated any more.


One thing at a time.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

My Middle Children

Today I got a note from #5's pre-K teacher telling me that she started crying upon arriving at school and continued for half an hour...'because she missed her sister.'


Lizzy had an epic melt down today after school.  Epic.

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Anxiety and Depression

There is no doubt in my mind that I have been struggling with anxiety and depression.  I think I have always struggled with it, but moving our sibling group of three (turned five!) in pushed it over the edge.

I immediately started packing on weight.  I have gained about 40 pounds.  Before that I was not thin, I was the most that I wanted to weigh.

So, the added weight is depressing.  Often, the choices my kids make are depressing and cause me to have anxiety as I worry about what the future will hold.

So, in short, I am an unhealthy mess.

I am working on fixing it though.

Monday, February 15, 2016

One step forward, two steps back

Since I wrote the last post:

I found three hidden pee filled pull ups in my nine year old's room.  He hasn't pee in months and now all in one week he filled three of them and hid them.

We found them because of the smell.

Also, he went into my bedroom and took new pull ups to pee in without us knowing.

For the record, every question I asked, he told the truth.

We were happy about that part.

Secondly, Lizzy has been attacking her sister on the bus.  Today was about the fourth incident.  She was mad that my husband didn't let her take her new Chapstick to school.  My husband didn't know my other daughter had hers in her back pack.  Lizzy and my other daughter have an assigned shared seat on the bus.  Lizzy  punched my other daughter in the head this morning while complaining about the Chapstick issue.

So, I will be driving Lizzy to school for the next week because apparently my idea of dealing with this was to punish myself by telling Lizzy she won't be riding the bus for a while.

I should have thought that one through better.

Thursday, February 11, 2016

Surving or Thriving, depends on the day or how you look at it

I felt compelled to blog because of something that happened today.
There have been so many things, but this.  This is big.

One of our kids has been peeing and lying for months.  She has been acting like the poster child for RAD and it has been hard!!!

She has stolen.



Hid pee.

And then was hurting the babies!

As you can imagine, we were at our wits end.

You want to know an ugly truth?  We have even discussed finding a new family for her.

That is how bad it was.

So, about three weeks ago the pee stopped.  I have no idea why.  It just stopped.  When the pee stopped the lying became unnecessary.  And obviously if there is no pee, there is no pee to hide.


The wedge that had been built between us parents and this child was huge.  Some days it felt like a brick wall.  We kept trying and some days she would tolerate us, but still.

So, the pee stops.

We start connecting.

We aren't at odds every second of every day anymore.

We start to tolerate each other.  We start smiling again.

It's so hard to explain if you are not living it, but all I can say is the wall began to crumble.  The catch was that my wall was crumbling way faster than my husband's.  I was worried his was too solid.

And then today husband and said child were playing together.  They were laughing together.  They were touching each other.  Smiling.  Laughing.

And as I saw it I heard God whisper, 'You know that one tiny prayer you said asking me to help him love her again?  This is the answer.'

I wish I could say that I prayed about it faithfully, but I didnt.  It was more of a worried whisper that I quickly shared with God.

Apparently He answers those kind of prayer too.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Orphan Sunday

Today is Orphan Sunday.

Back when I first stared fostering, I would say about one year into it, I did not understand how people around me just did not get it.  By 'get it' I mean, how can you see that there are CHILDREN that need homes and a family....and you just don't do anything?

I struggle with this, a lot.

Now, I do think I understand it more than I used to because there are ALOT of kids overseas that NEED to be adopted and I have yet to feel like I am supposed to do that.

Their are tons of special needs kids in the system that NEED homes, and yet I do not feel equipt to take that on either.

I understand that we each have our own place in this giant puzzle.  Quite frankly if we all jumped in and helped as many kids as humanly possible even that would not work because we ALL would be so burnt out and have no help.

The people in my life who have never adopted or fostered, but support me, actively support me, are such a gift.  When they love my kids it helps me.  When they watch them in the nursery at church it helps me.  When they babysit my kids it helps me.  When they give me their hand me down it helps me.

On days like Orphan Sunday, my 'message' is this:

There are kids who need families, desperately.  Please search your heart and see if you can help.  If adoption isn't for you, foster.  If fostering isn't for you, donate.  If donating isn't possible, gift your time and love.  Find a way to help, and help.  Even the smallest bit of help makes a world of difference in the orphan crisis.

Wednesday, November 4, 2015


Lizzy is sick.  She has been coughing for two weeks and last night had a temp of 103.5.  She will be going to the doctor today.
I don't know why, but the first thing that comes to my mind is her biological mom.
I cannot even imagine that woman taking care of a sick kid.
I'm not going to go into why because I don't want to tear her down.
I just shutter at the thought of it.
When ever Lizzy is vulnerable her biological family comes to mind.
I just can't imagine what her life would be if she would have been returned to them.

Lizzy says a lot of random things.  This morning she said, "I am so glad that you and dad got married and never broke up."

I am glad she feels that way, but all I could think of was her 'broken up' biological mom and dad.
Yet another thing that she has no real concept of, but for now, I am just glad she has us.